In Case You Were Wondering What Rock I've Been Hiding Under......

Some people would call it a dreary cloud. A sad little cloud of the blues. Which makes it sound all fluffy and light in the sense that one can just bust right on through, or take a deep breath and "Puff up and blow those worries away." Personally, I was under a rock. It was dank, cold, and incredibly lonely. The duality of feeling lonely, and yet not being able to respond to those trying to reach for me made time stretch on for an eternity. Some even tried to roll the rock away for me. I applaud your efforts, and in hindsight, I thank you.

I promise this is not going to be a doom and gloom post. Mainly because I have manged to reach my way out from under that rock, and found something to cling to, and now I'm back. Mostly. I'm still thinking as to how I was fine one day, and then suddenly, um, well, not so much. And even now I could not tell you what it was exactly that turned me around. Here's what I'm thinking though. It took more than one element to pull me down, some of which were mentioned in my previous post. It took an equal and opposite reaction to pull me back.

And stranger still.......life kept moving around me. I felt as if I was treading molasses, and yet my thoughts had somehow become much clearer as the rest of the world around me fell back into a constant loop of static sort of background noise.

I was kind of treading water in all things that absolutely had to be attended to, such as my class, the bare necessities of child rearing and the like. As for the rest, I just sort of let it slide away. Into the void of all things that could and would have to be dealt with later.

I feel really tired. I mean REALLY tired. So tired that I had my blood tested today for anemia, something I constantly battle with. Blood is fine, so what to think now? Hmm, could it be that I really just need more sleep?

I'm thinking yes. I'm also thinking that my body and my brain, working in tandem as they so often do, are trying to tell me something. Hello, where's the secret decoder when you really need it?

This weeks chapter for my class is called "Energy Balance and Healthy Body Weight". I am riveted and my brain is soaking up this chapter like a parched sponge. And as I learn, both the good and the bad I have done to my body over the years, I also feel another piece of the puzzle fall into place with regards to making peace with myself. One might call it acceptance. As for me, I'm not exactly sure what to call it yet.

If I had endless time and energy at my disposal I would probably blather on endlessly about this chapter. Lucky for you I have a quiz to study for and then take before going to bed tonight. And I am planning on an early bedtime, as it has been a week of late nights and early mornings. Tomorrow I am going to try to sleep in. At least as much as is actually possible in our house of chaos.

And I will spend some time thinking tomorrow on a few very important subjects. Taking risks and the stretching of comfort zones. How to know when to push and when to just cruise and let the healing process take over. Sometimes I think I get the two confused.

Sugar- Honey- Ice-Tea

http://blog.beliefnet.com/ourladyofweightloss/2009/11/cookie-monster-cute-but-addict.html

I started this post days ago. And then? Well then I fell into a bit of a funk. Many things could have contributed, such as several really late nights in a row. I resorted to Diet Coke not once, but twice (I Know, I know!! Evil diet soda! I was in a hurry, and I was extremely tired). The sad truth is that I am now old enough that a rough night means I will desperately grasp the closest form of caffeine available so as to simply remain awake. In my younger days a rough night meant imbibing lots of alcohol. Ahh, those were the good old days!

What do you get when you throw together a bit of the burning the candle at both ends, hormones, NO break from my children for days on end, a gradual slippage on the eating front (in part due to HORMONAL issues-arrgh)? You end up with me as a puddle. No back bone at all. Just a sad little shell of my former self as I flail in a tar pit of apathy.

I came across the above article (link posted at the top of post) during my slight slippage back to sugar as I was attempting to dig myself out of this funk. As with all things nutrition related I found it to be interesting. On the one hand it is a relief to know that my almost carnal lust for all things sugar is not just in my head. On the other hand, it means I must really work all the more to wean myself away from the sugar thing. You know what is the sweetest taste in the world??? Eating an apple, or a banana at that point of really being honest to goodness H-U-N-G-R-Y.

This is hard to remember at my weak moments when every fiber of my being is screaming for that quick fix. That sudden rush of sweet, followed by that brief blissful moment of the "up" in my mood. Who cares about the headache and the energy crash soon to follow? At that very moment,when caution and self control are thrown to the wind? I don't. Before, and after I DO care. Very much so. At two opposite ends of the spectrum, I feel the impact of a bad decision. Just like any true junky. I have heard it said many times that it is easier to quit smoking or drinking than it is to quit bad eating habits. For the simple reason that you can avoid people that drink, and people that smoke. We don't need cigarettes or alcohol to survive, but we do need to eat. There might be some truth to that. I don't know how difficult it is to overcome an alcohol addiction, but I can speak from personal experience as an ex-smoker. I can tell you that the craving for sugar is similar to the need for a nicotine fix. Like being in a room, and seeing dessert on the table. I cannot keep my eyes off the brownies. My thoughts suddenly become consumed with inner conversations between me, myself and I about not touching the brownies. Not needing the brownies. And most importantly NOT EATING THE BROWNIES. Just like when I was a smoker, and I saw a fellow smoker step outside for a cigarette. Suddenly I could think of nothing else until I followed suit. I don't really hang out with any smokers any more. I think avoiding sugar is going to be a little tougher.

And yet........

I have reached a point of reckoning. I reckon that if I eat that frosting I am going to get a sugar rush headache. If I eat that frosting I am going to use "discretionary" calories that I technically don't even have at my disposal. After which I will feel bad both mentally and physically. Well, Sugar-Honey-Ice-Tea. I think I'm going to have to keep on trying until I get it right, just like with the smoking thing. And like with all of life's really big decisions, there is no choice. If it's bothering me, than the decision has already been made. All that's left is the follow through.

Just like when I'm mired in that tar pit of apathy. Do I want to stay there? Nope. So I wipe off those tears, tighten my sneaker laces and grab an apple as I head out the door.

A few more fun sugar facts before I go.

"Sugar acts on areas of the brain responsible for pleasure and reward. When stimulated this area of the brain releases chemicals that produce a pleasurable sensation. In animals and in people, this causes repetition of the behavior that produced it and is the basis of addictions."

"The World Health Organization (W.H.O.) recommends an upper limit of about 12 teaspoons of sugar in an adequate 2,200 calorie diet."

"The average person in the United States consumes 32 teaspoons of sugar a day." Yes, you read that correctly, and it is not a typo. That is 32 teaspoons of sugar per day.

"Whether they come from beets, corn, grapes, honey, or sugarcane, the added sugars in foods are all alike." In other words, the body doesn't care and treats them all the same. Sugar is sugar is sugar.

"Each teaspoonful of any sweet can be assumed to supply about 16 calories and 4 grams of carbohydrate."

"12 oz.cola = 8tsp sugar"
"8oz. sweetened yogurt= 7tsp sugar"
"2oz. chocolate= 8tsp sugar"
"1TBSP ketchup= 1tsp sugar"
"1 TBSP creamer= 2 tsp sugar"


Nutrition: Concepts& Controversies by Sizer/Whitney

When Exactly Did Food Become the Enemy?

How do "normal" people eat? And I mean "normal" with regards to people that just eat, seemingly without thought, and also (maddeningly enough) without weight gain. They do not need to enter the food arena armed with a calorie counter and steel resolve. They eat, and then stop when they have had enough. They do not need to consult their calorie allotment for that meal before allowing themselves that first bite.

I have come to the conclusion that everyone should really take a nutrition class before being allowed to eat. Seriously! O.k., maybe not everyone, since there are some people who naturally gravitate towards steamed broccoli over cheesecake. But for the rest of us? Perhaps a bit dazed and confused and so far removed from where our food comes from and what exactly is in it that we're no longer sure what we should be eating? Knowledge is power, and knowing about food, and what it can do for our bodies, is no exception.

At some point in my life I no longer wanted the suffocating blanket of fat surrounding me that only food, and lots of it, could provide. But then, I became afraid. How did this happen? Who was to blame? Surely not me?? I wasn't ready to face the facts, stand up for myself and take the blame. I needed a scapegoat. Aha! I must be eating the wrong foods. The fact that I was also eating way too much of the wrong foods took a little longer to sink in. And slowly I began to tick off certain foods as B-A-D.
Fat? B-A-D. Reality? Most people should consume between 20% to 30% of their calories from fat a day. However, not all fats are created equal. Avocado? Good. Stick of butter? Bad.

And let's not forget carbohydrates. I LOVE my carbs. Having to go gluten free was not an easy process for me. But the carbs that I really pined for are of the type that nobody should really be wolfing down, gluten free or not. Most people should consume between 45% to 65% percent of their daily calories from carbohydrates. Not cupcakes and donuts -alas!-but from brown rice, lentils and apples. The primary purpose of carbohydrates in the body? To meet the body's energy needs, feed the brain and nervous system, and to keep the digestive system fit. Not to make me fat as I have long suspected. And I know a lot of people that still believe carbs to be the enemy. They can be your friend if chosen wisely.

And I could really go on and on, but I shall try not to bore you any longer with the nitty gritty details. For me, simply knowing (or rather slowly learning), what the food is supposed to be doing for my body with the healthy choices I should be making, as opposed to what it hasn't been doing for me due to the all the bad choices I have been making over the years, has been......well, somewhat liberating. To an extent. I still have a lifetime of bad habits to overcome, and I'm still plugging away at those one habit at a time. Which has been getting easier as I visualize what that cup of fat free cottage cheese is going to do for me verses that cup of chocolate pudding.

Post Mid-Term Brain Fried and Belated Wednesday Weigh in Results

First the good news. I stepped on the scale yesterday morning, realizing with a foggy groan in the wee hours of the morning that it was indeed WEDNESDAY. Scale day. I closed my eyes, then peeked through my fingers, and it said 197.6. Don't even ask me how I managed to lose the 1.8 pounds since last week. Especially with all of that Halloween Candy going down on Saturday and Sunday. But, I will take the loss and happily!

Now for the better news.......I was able to fit in a surprise run yesterday afternoon. I was so very happy and feel a little more mentally balanced now.

Mid term exam is a done deal. Phew! I didn't do as well as I'd hoped, shooting for an A so as to maintain my solid A average thus far. But, I did get 21 out of 25 points for an 84%. The class average was 16.5 out of 25 so I guess I didn't do too bad. Especially considering the chaos of life preceding the time of the exam. Extra car trips to WIlliston (which makes for a 3 hour round trip), sick kids, visits to the ER, flat tires and the like.

The bad news........I went a wee bit over my calories today. Almost embarrassingly so. It's the box of GF donuts in the fridge, which we only ever buy like twice a year, and then per very special request from Jonas. These are frosted and the crazy voice of PMS insisted that I really must have one. It was yummy, I will not deny it.

Tomorrow I am meeting someone new for a walk/run. Potential new running buddy to add to my circle of exercise friends. I'll let you know how it goes.
Sharon is currently mending from a nasty incident involving her foot and a rusty nail. But, she will be walking with me again as soon as she is able to fit her foot back into her sneaker. In the meantime send healing thoughts her way if you would be so kind.

Two things that weakened my resolve with resisting evil donut speak. Not writing down all of my calories today until after I had eaten said donut. AND

Nighttime Eating

For many people, dinner is only the start of their nighttime eating. There's nothing wrong with a healthy snack such as fruit, plain popcorn or wholewheat toast with a little jam a couple of hours after dinner. However, nighttime eating is when you eat large amounts of food or foods high in fat, sodium and calories like cookies, chips, full-fat ice cream, sandwiches or leftovers.

If nighttime eating is a problem for you, try to eat most of your calories during daylight hours. Reach for a light, low-fat and low-calorie snack in the evening.

Yep, broke one of my own rules by stepping into the kitchen after 6:00. I guess it's good to test the waters every once in a while. Just to see what I have mastered for real, vs. what I just think I now have control over. Ah well, live and learn.

Those Lucky S.O.B.s

This is going to be quick, even for me. Or maybe especially for me!
I'm back in my groove! Finishing off the day with 1570 in calories, which I have yet to eat but have measured out for after I go exercise. And just having reported it here means I won't go one calorie over that 1570. SO help me!

A very stressful day today, four more on tap for the rest of the week. I can do it, and I will do it with as much grace as I can possibly muster.

I ate not a single crumb of Halloween candy today. Yeah for me.

This afternoon, post Doctor's checkup with the little one (Toby was at a friends house after home school group), we sat in the weak November sunshine on a park bench enjoying a bite of lunch. And I saw these three guys go jogging by. "Lucky bastards" I thought to myself. When just a few short years ago I would have thought something closer to "Wow! Would you look at those poor crazy bastards!"

I sat there wanting to get up and run so bad I could almost taste it. Feel the wind in my ears and my worries drip away with the sweat. This is progress of a good sort don't you think?

Chocolate Is My Kryptonite

Binge Eating

Does this sound like you-able to control your portions but losing control at other times? This is called "binge eating" and lots of people do it.

A binge is when you eat a lot of food in a short time and it's usually not healthy food. Binge eating is bad for you.

Don't keep binge foods at home. If you're a binge eater, you know which foods you usually eat during a binge. Common binge foods are cookies, candy bars, ice cream or chips.

I am feeling a wee bit embarrassed after my post of how well I was holding it all together. In my defense, things did get even worse after that post. Mostly in the form of a flat tire, and then a visit to the ER for my youngest (Doctor's orders, and mostly as a precaution- and just so you know he IS fine). Oh, and then there was Halloween. Yep, I was feeling smug, thought I could IGNORE the pounds of candy coming and going through our doors. Apparently I cannot. I was brought to my knees by Snickers, 3 Musketeers and Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. And I have the sugar hangover to prove it.

But, just one or two days of really bad decisions does not a diet destroy. For which I am soooooo very thankful for right now.

Lesson learned. Though I have come far enough to no longer give in to the temptation of buying these evil little confections in their crinkly little wrappers. I am apparently not so strong as to avoid them once they cross the threshold and enter my house. It's like that vampire myth. Once you invite it into your house, you are rendered powerless.

In addition to feeling slightly ill and ready for some serious sugar detox, I head into my Monday and a fresh new week. I am also feeling empowered. Strange I know. Maybe it's still all that sugar coursing through my veins.

I knew there would be bumps in the road, having attempted to go down this same road many times before. This time I vowed I would grit my teeth and make it over these bumps and continue forward. Looking at Wednesday and my morning weigh in just now. Sigh. I'll be really good between now and then and hope for the best. Which, when you get right down to it, is what we are all trying to do, each in our own way, and in our own time.

Wearing Flannel and Holding Down the Fort

Day number two of being stuck in the house ALL day with two sick and whiny kids. There is nothing that says needy and hard to get along with like a sick child. Add to that fact that it's a dreary, rainy fall day, and I just felt the need for something that said "comfort" to me, but that didn't involve food. Wrapping myself in my favorite, cozy, and flannel shirt it is then.

I've got a passel of stress riding my back like a monkey on a cupcake. I'm feeling so tired right now that I would probably weep if someone made me the offer of going to bed right now and letting me sleep without interruption until 6:00a.m. Which is so not going to happen, at least not for a few more years. Or until we get rid of this cold, whichever comes first. Actually, I am in complete and total denial on this cold thing. Well, not that the children have a cold-no getting around that fact-but more in the sense that I am in no way shape or form going to come down with this cold. I've had a bit of the sniffles, post nasal drip etc for a couple of days now. But I am NOT sick. Repeat after me. I am NOT sick. Nor will I become sick in the near future. You see, I don't have time to be sick. In fact, I don't even have time for my children to be sick. Too late for that though. Arrgh.

I have a midterm exam to take next week, which I am theoretically studying for all this week and over the weekend. I have extra Library Trustees meetings crammed into every nook and cranny of my life that isn't already full. We are in the process of hiring a new Library Director, which means I've had extra homework in the form of looking through a stack of resumes. And I do mean a stack.

And yet.............
I'm really doing o.k. Seriously! Which I'm not sure if this means I've gone around the bend never to return, or if I've just learned some better coping skills of late.

I did my weigh in this morning, back to my weekly thing as I vowed that I would. I just crossed my fingers that it didn't start with a 2**. Thankfully it did not. I have not been writing things down these past few days, but also doing a lot of listening to myself. Was I really hungry?? No? Well, alrighty then, time to move along away from the kitchen. That sort of thing. And last night, at my Trustees meeting, with a plate of cookies, and a box of truffles in front of me, the entire 2 1/2 hours of the meeting, I ate not a bite. It was sort of like a NPM (normal person moment) for me. I did give that piece of gum in my mouth a bit of a workout though.

I've also been thinking of this back and forth with the same 3 pounds as more of maintaining practice rather than a stalled out period. The fact that I have done so during all of this stress just makes me feel all sorts of warm and fuzzy inside. I did it by gosh. This is another thing that normal people do.

Also, I've been dealing with my past, and all the emotional baggage that goes with it, as I have mentioned a few times before here in my blog. And something occurred to me just this week. In the past I have never been satisfied with my new skinny sized me in my new skinny sized jeans. I was still finding fault, still berating myself for all that distance that I had yet to travel. And then when I got there, or thought I had, I was still not happy. And so what happened? The whole cycle would start all over of course. I'd be disgusted with my fat disgusting self, and so began the diet cycle again. It wasn't all bad though, because I did evolve a little with each go around.

I managed to escape for a run this evening for the first time since last Friday. And though I did walk on Sunday and Monday, it was with the stroller both times. Thus not quite the same sweat inducing endorphin high achievement as a run.

I am still very much in my 12/14s. But I am starting to like what I see. At least a little bit. These hips? They're not really going anywhere. And these thighs? The family legend of thunder thighs will be a hard one to ditch for sure. But these are the very same thighs that push me sweating and panting up these hills at a jog. Skinny they are not, nor ever likely to be. But they are strong and getting stronger with every run.

Here's something I'm trying to practice as well as observing myself in a positive light. Dealing with the emotional eating. A little something else I gleaned from class.

Emotional Eating

Many people eat when they feel upset, angry, sad, lonely or fearful.
Emotions such as these can be powerful triggers to eat.

If you're an emotional eater, you can learn other ways to react to your emotions. Emotions don't usually last long-often just 10 minutes to an hour-so you only need to distract yourself from eating for a short time, until the emotion passes.

This like so many other things about this losing weight and getting healthy journey is easier said than done. However, just being aware is often times half the battle.

Have a good rest of the week everyone, and I fully plan to get caught up on some of my blog reading tomorrow. Hmm? What's that you say? I should be studying for my midterm? What midterm? I think I'm going to live in the land of denial on that one too for a bit. At least for the day.:-)